Q.
What does FIAT stand for?
A. Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights.
Q.
How is the Italian version of Christmas different?
A. One Mary, one Jesus, and 32 Wise guys.
Q.
How do Italian girls shave their legs?
A. They lie down outside and have someone mow them.
Q.
Why is it that most Italian Men are called Tony?
A. When they boarded the boat to America, they stamped To NY
[Tony] on their foreheads...
A
bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following:
"Emma
come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey,
coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda
how to spella Mississippi."
Q. How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight?
A. He's the one who bets on the duck.
Q. How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight?
A. Well, if the Duck wins, you know they are!
Francis and Isabella were having their usual battle of the sexes.
"Italian
men are all stupid," screamed Isabella
"Oh,
yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it
was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!"
"And
I'll have you know," said his wife, "it was an Italian
woman who thought of putting a hole in it!"
Q: What language do the Vatican Police speak?
A: Pig Latin!
Q.
Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A. So they can look like their mammas.
"Listen, God is everywhere, trust me, he is absolutely
everywhere," the wise old Sicilian priest told little Gianluca,
who thought about this for a moment, before grabbing a half-opened
matchbox lying on the table, quickly snapped it shut and declared
triumphantly: "Got him!!!"
Q: How can you tell if an Italian is in the Mafia?
A: His favorite dish is broken leg of lamb
Q.
Why is it that Italy is shaped like a boot?
A. Do you really think they could fit all that sh** in a tennis
shoe?
Q.
If Tarzan and Jane were Italian, what would Cheetah be?
A. The least hairy of the three!
Sophie
just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still
a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and
he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt
and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother
and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All
good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care
of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca
took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran
downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his
pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good
man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off
his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When
Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This
is a job for Mama!
This
Italian bloke had never played golf before and so asked for
some tips before starting the game. An American player decided
to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.
The
American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so
that they roll into the hole". The American putted away
and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.
The
Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta
and a putta your balls in da hole, but in Italia, we put our
sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out"!
A
Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and
said, "Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die
you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me
to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and
mail them to the IRS...and write on the envelope, 'Now you have
everything.'"
Q.
What did the barber say to the Italian kid?
A. Do you want your hair cut or should I just change the oil?
Q:
What do you call an Italian with an IQ of 170?
A: Sicily.
Q.
How does an Italian get into an honest business?
A. Usually through the skylight.
Did
you hear about the 21 year old Italian girl who knelt in front
of the statue of Madonna?
She said: "You who conceived without sin, let me sin without
conceiving!"
How
to Impress an Italian Lady:
Wine
her, dine her, hug her, support her, compliment her, suprise
her, smile at her, hold her, romance her, laugh with her, shop
with her, cuddle her, go to the end of the earth for her...
How
to Impress an Italian Man:
Show up naked, Bring Beer.
A
young priest was tempted by sins of the Flesh and astonishingly
went to a call girl.
Being unable to hold his emotions, he screams out:
"My Daughter, the Lord is with us..."
"Well, in that case, you're paying double..."
Q.
What's an innuendo?
A. An Italian suppository.
A Greek and an Italian
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
You know you're Italian when
- Your grandfather had a fig tree
- You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00
- Plastic on the furniture is normal
- You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you
- Your mom's meatballs are the best
- You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners
- There are more than 28 people in your bridal party
How come Italian's don't like Jehovah witnesses?
They don't like any witnesses
You know you're Italian when
You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5'9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:
. Your grandfather had a fig tree.
. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
. Your mom's meatballs are the best.
. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
. Plastic on the furniture is normal.
. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
. You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
. You've called someone a "mamaluke."
. And you understand "bada bing"
The Italian Elbow
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button
301.
I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in,
and
With you elbow , pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left.
With you elbow , hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with
my elbow?
"What . . . .... . You coming empty handed?"
Italians
To all my Italian friends, and a few who are not - enjoy! ...and if you're from Brooklyn , New Joisey, or LonggggEyeland, you'll really appreciate this!
E y e -T a l i a n
Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.
Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said
TO NY
You know you're Italian when . . . .You can bench press 325 pounds,
shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
Your 20 mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyers are all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9",
it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . .
Your grandfather had a fig tree.
You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
Your mom's meatballs are the best.
You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.
You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
You've heard someone called a "mamaluke."
And you understand "bada bing."
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Italian Jokes !
